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Майго Set a diary

* The diary is installed, enjoy your use. *

Day 1.

Today is December 29, 2068, Thursday.

16:43. The diary was established on the recommendation of a psychotherapist for the purpose of keeping notes about my well-being. To begin with, you should make notes about yourself:

My name is Katsu Kunal, born on March 7, 2050, studied at the 7th stage in the class of the iconic image of a person, graduated from school in 2068, was enrolled by the education system in the institution of professional qualification as a teacher of logic and studied there until hospitalization, which occurred on December 25. At the moment, I am in the central hospital of 2053 in the psychiatric department with anorexia and suspected depression. At the time of hospitalization, my weight is 39 kg, and my height is 172 cm.

While at school, I attended a volleyball club and collected board games. and now I've lost interest in the things I used to do. I don't have any close friends, because I try to keep only business relationships.

This is enough to get acquainted.

Today for breakfast we were given vegetable puree, salad with chicken breast, herbal tea and a bun, I only ate salad, because of anorexia I eat every 2 hours 8 times a day, and it is tiring. I do not have time to go to my room after breakfast, as it is time to go to therapy to a psychiatrist, I return from therapy, I need to have a second breakfast, and after it begins a walk, then a snack, followed by quizzes or board games in the department. Only after lunch, during a quiet hour, you can relax, but this pleasant moment passes quickly, and you have to go to the second snack, take medication.

19: 38. I was signed up for volleyball so that I could quickly resume my interest in this sport. Now, due to my illness, I can only stand for the first 10 minutes, after which I begin to lose consciousness. I need to make more efforts to get back in shape, but I have no desire to do this, I would not even leave the room if it were not for the nurses.

In 28 minutes, one of them will come back to pick up for dinner.

22:13. That's enough records for today, I need to rest.

Day 2.

Today is Friday, December 30, 2068.

17:42. If Nurse Sophie hadn't reminded me of the diary, I wouldn't have remembered.

I don't want to do anything, but she won't leave me alone until I've eaten the broth or gone for a walk, and I need to thank Sophie tomorrow and play checkers with her. She likes it when I do "normal" things.

Sophie is the nurse in charge of me and takes care of me as if I were her son. She has been working in this department for more than 15 years and loves this profession with all her heart.

Breakfast in the dining room was rice porridge with milk, sweet tea and oatmeal cookies. I didn't want to eat porridge, so I had tea and cookies and went to group therapy. There we discussed fears, some talking about spiders and cockroaches, others about snakes and lizards, and others about the dark. When it was my turn, I talked about the fear of heights, or rather falling from it, but now I realized that more than death due to a fall, I am afraid of loneliness.

Lunch was a vegetable stew with steamed chicken patty, fruit salad, and apple juice, and this time Sophie was watching me, so I had to eat more than I wanted. It should be noted that it was really delicious. After the meal, the department organized a board game competition, maybe after a while I will have a desire, and I will join them, but not this time.

Today it was quite warm outside, so I went out for a walk with everyone (in fact, Sophie made me), yesterday it snowed, so today we had a large-scale snowball fight. The first 5 minutes I tried to take an active part, but realizing that I was already too old and slow for this, I decided to stand next to the base and guard it, leaving everything else to the young fighters, so I spent the remaining 20 minutes of the game, after which it was time for a snack, where we were offered yoghurts with different flavors, I chose mango.

Now we are going to the gym for another workout, how lazy I am.

Day 3.

Today is December 31, 2068, Saturday.

14:34. For the last month, my life has been separate from reality. I've lost track of time, and tomorrow is the new year. If Sophie hadn't asked me what I wanted as a gift, I wouldn't have thought of this holiday at all.

It was only during lunch that I noticed that there were only 6 patients and 12 nurses left in the ward. Everyone else went home for the weekend to celebrate the New Year with their loved ones.

Walking around the hospital, I saw that paper snowflakes appeared on the windows, and in the corner of the reception room there is an artificial Christmas tree, I do not understand when the staff managed to decorate everything, although it is pointless.

This atmosphere of the coming miracle reminded me of my school days, when there were contests and competitions between classes these days. My studies faded into the background, making room for the New Year's festival, where each class had to show a small theatrical performance (at least this was the case in the art image building, in which I studied for the 7th and 8th years). I don't know why, but I was always put in the role of the main villain, and my friend – my henchman. His name is Nick, and he's a year younger than me, which means he'll graduate next year. When we were in the same class, he wanted to become a fashion designer and went to additional courses for this. I hope the system will enroll Nick in the Criminal Procedure Code, where he wants to go.

19: 48. Instead of walking, the nurses suggested watching a New Year's movie and having a themed dinner with salads and tangerines, which I can't eat because of anorexia, so my New Year's table consisted of buckwheat porridge, steamed tuna fillet and seafood salad, which I don't like. Sophie left after lunch, so I didn't have to eat this. I drank the cherry compote and went to my room. While the others are enjoying the holiday, I'd better write down my notes on the missed lectures, they should have been posted by now. Then you can go to bed.

Day 4.

Today is January 1, 2069, Sunday.

19: 32. Sophie invited me to her daughter's birthday party this morning, and I agreed.

I just got back to the hospital and I'm going to tell you everything that happened.

In the morning, we went to the store for a gift and groceries. Sophie bought a shogi for me, and a pair of virtual reality glasses for her 10 – year-old daughter. Then we stopped at the bakery for a cake, then headed home.

It was a small 3-room apartment on the 31st floor, decorated in an oriental style. A small amount of furniture made it possible to effectively use the space, adds comfort, and in the corner of the living room there was an aquarium. The hostess entrusted me with the decoration of the rooms with balloons, and she went to the kitchen.

In our family, birthdays, like other holidays, were celebrated modestly. There was no special dinner or entertainment, we just got together and spent time with the whole family. Those were the best days, because I usually only saw my parents in the morning when I walked them to work, and I always had breakfast alone. When I think about it now, I wish I had spent more time with them, invited them to entertainment parks, cinemas, festivals, as others do. But that's not the point now.

Noticing that I often go out on the balcony, Sophie suggested that we go up to the top floor and enjoy the view from there, and I agreed. To get to the 360th floor, we had to spend 3 minutes, but the wait was worth the result. We had an unforgettable view of the city, the cars seemed like small insects, and the 50-storey buildings-like toys. After 10 minutes of admiring the view, Sophie said, " Katsu, you can come over if you're lonely, or you just want to talk to someone. It's your home now, too. By the way, I've already added your chip to the door's history, so you can come here anytime, even if we're not at home." I am glad that after my discharge I will not be left alone with the real world.

At 17: 36 we went to pick up her daughter, whose name is Diana. She had fun with her classmates at the trampoline center, where there is a trampoline instead of a floor on all five floors. I heard that in our city there is also an aqua center, in which the entire space is filled with water. Maybe I'll go there someday.

Outwardly, Diana does not look like her mother at all. She has dark, thick hair, brown eyes, and a lean and elongated body, unlike the plump and fair Sophie. But their character is identical.

During the festive dinner, they took turns pushing salads and sandwiches towards me. I was surrounded by care and attention, as if I was the birthday boy. Even though Diana knew my name, she always calls me "Onisan", but I still understood why.

After the meal, we decided to take a walk around the square, which, according to the princess (I decided to call Diana that), has an artificial warm pond where swans and geese swim in winter. It was nice to walk outside the hospital grounds, it seems like I haven't done this in ages, but it's actually been less than a month.

When we reached the pond with swans, Diana gave me a coin, which are rare nowadays, and said: "Onisan, let's throw them into the lake together, so that we can come back here again?" After finishing our walk around the square, we went to the hospital.

Diana demanded the address of the blog, but when she found out that I didn't have it, she forced me to register. Now she sent me the hundredth message about a hamster named Ricky who can do a somersault, and attached a video.

22:21. It's getting close to bedtime, and she's obviously not going to go to bed, so what am I supposed to do?

Day 5.

Today is Monday, January 2, 2069.

13:42. Today I had another body scan, according to the results of which my weight did not change, and psychological tests confirmed the presence of depression, so the doctor prescribed antidepressants and warned that they can cause a sharp weight gain, but this is even in our favor.

Diana will soon finish additional classes, after which she will go swimming and will be there until 18: 00, which means that I will be able to relax in the afternoon.

I didn't have to communicate with others before, and recently I have completely withdrawn from society, so talking to this little girl puts me in a stupor. In the morning, she asked, " Onisan, do you think we really exist? When I played in virtual reality, it seemed real enough to me to live in it, but if this is so, then why are people sure that they are in the real world, and not in the game? " – for the 4th hour I think about this question.

For breakfast there was oatmeal with honey and nuts, a cheese sandwich and milk, but I didn't want to eat, so I went to sleep in the ward, because at night Diana didn't go to bed until 03:13, and all this time I worked as a clown and entertained her.

For the second breakfast there was a baby puree of apples and peaches, after discharge I will eat only them.

19:47. In the end, I answered Diana's question like this: "We can feel sadness and pain, and if we were in the game, its creators would definitely not add negative emotions to make its characters happy", but she did not like my answer, in principle, as I did, but I did not find a better solution.

Day 6.

Today is Tuesday, January 3, 2069.

23:31. Ail, who had been transferred from the trauma unit because he had tried to open his wrists in the shower with the glass from the broken window to spill blood on a rose made of paper, was admitted to my room, but the nurses were quick to react and prevent it.

Ayl is 17 years old, his height is 179 cm, and his weight is 66 kg. He likes to chat and after 10 minutes of our acquaintance, he began to talk about his life, which he had a busy one, I will briefly recount everything.

Let's start with the fact that Ail is an illegitimate child (the system did not approve his parents ' application for conception), so after birth he lived in a state house under the care of a nanny until he was 4 years old. Next, the system selected suitable guardians. So Ail got into a good family, where the mother suffered from infertility and paid all the attention to the adopted son.

At school, he studied poorly and did not rise above the 5th stage, but he met older children who were engaged, as he said: "Growing "fun" plants." Six months ago, his friends were caught in this case and taken into custody, but Ail went unpunished.

He got into the hospital because he got into a fight with the guards, who did not allow him to go to the cells of the prisoners, where his girlfriend, who was detained in the case of flowers, was sitting.

Recently, she died suddenly, a laboratory examination showed that she was allergic to detergents used to clean the confining rooms. After learning this, Ail decided to commit suicide in the above-mentioned way. This is the life of my new friend.

Ail wanted me to tell him the same story, but I turned the conversation to the entertainment at the psych ward, and he didn't ask any more questions about my past.

For breakfast, we had chicken soup with dumplings, a curd casserole with dried fruit and carrot juice, and Sophie gave me yeast buns with poppy seeds and a note that said, "Love for Katsu from Diana, see you soon!" – was she going to visit me? Tomorrow is the day of the visit. It would be great to see her. I ate breakfast and all the buns, then went to therapy. I think the antidepressants have given me an appetite.

The second breakfast was a milkshake with blackberries, which I also drank completely. The snack consisted of vegetable salad and compote, and the lunch consisted of soup with mushrooms, potato stew and peach juice. After eating all this, I definitely gained 5 kilograms.

I thanked Diana for the buns, and she said, "Onisan, if you pick me up from school and walk me home after I'm discharged, I'll make them every day," slyly. She is already asleep, so I can safely keep a diary, I think this is already becoming my habit.

Ail was signed to the basketball team. Next week we have to have competitions, so all the teams are working even harder. Because of this, I felt bad at the last training session.

Day 7.

Today is Thursday, January 5, 2069.

12: 37. Yesterday was such a busy day that I did not have the strength to make notes. I will briefly recount everything now:

That night, Ail woke me up and suggested that I take a little walk, but I sent him to get some sleeping pills.

Yesterday for breakfast we were given a stew of beans and chicken breast, pancakes with cottage cheese and cocoa, which I did not like, so I asked for tea.

In the morning, Ail's friends came to visit, and he walked with them until lunch. Sophie went to the main building to do her monthly report, and Diana stayed with me. I still don't understand how you can leave your child with a person who is being treated in a psychiatric department, but this is not about that.

After lunch, I took Diana for a walk around the hospital and gave her a quick tour of my temporary residence. She really liked the living area, where there is an aquarium, and an art area where you can draw on the walls. We spent more than an hour there, then returned to the department.

We met Ail, and he took the princess away from me to show her tricks with cards and flowers. Then Diana began to tell him her fairy tales and tall tales, so I was able to rest in peace for a quiet hour. They talked so casually, as if they were siblings, and they were very similar in appearance.

After a fruit snack (I took a nectarine), Ail suggested that Diana watch basketball practice. I couldn't leave this little girl alone with a 17-year-old plant lover any longer, so I went with them. There was no limit to Ayl's posturing, especially during the game, when he threw 7 goals in a row into the basket.

Then we went to dinner, which consisted of porridge with brown rice and vegetables, a salad of seaweed and seafood. I don't like seafood, so I ate porridge and drank kefir. After the meal, we saw Diana off and went to the ward, where I immediately fell asleep.

And even now I feel sleepy and tired, but my appetite surprises all the employees. I even had to ask for more at breakfast today, because I didn't eat a single serving of buckwheat soup.

Now it's time to go to group therapy, and Ail is out again, and I'm constantly being asked where he is and what he's doing, as if I'm his babysitter. Someone would be so worried about me.

19:52. For lunch, we were served borscht with beef, cauliflower puree, tomato salad and grape juice, I ate everything, and when I returned to the ward, I fell asleep again, skipping an afternoon snack, a walk and the first dinner. Now I'm going to go to practice. Ail has already left for basketball, and Diana is not as chatty as before, even a little bored.

Day 8.

Today is Friday, January 6, 2069.

16: 31. Sophie reminded me of the diary again, but I don't want to write anything down, just let me sleep. Diana came in at lunchtime and woke me up with a shout: "Onisan, wake up! Can you hear me?! Onisan! Oh, I'm awake, and where's Ail? " – after learning the answer to her question, she disappeared as quickly as she appeared. I haven't seen her since, but I think she met Ail. The main thing is that Sophie doesn't find out about it, otherwise a quiet day will turn into a nightmare, and I just want to sleep and fried potatoes.

01:17. On a walk I met my new friends. The princess showed me the bracelet and said it was a gift from Ayl as a token of loyalty. Now I dread to think what tales he told her. I hope this jolly fellow didn't introduce her to his nerd friends, or there'll be trouble.

I wanted to take a quiet walk and go back to the ward, but they dragged me into the city, where we wandered until 22: 21, when Sophie and the search team caught us. After that, I had to explain myself to the adults as the eldest of the violators of the social rules. As a result, Ail and I were forbidden to leave the hospital grounds, and Sophie promised to deal with Diana at home. I don't think she should be allowed to come and visit us again. How did I get into this situation in the first place? I hope there will be no problems in the Criminal Procedure Code because of this.

When I got back to the hospital, I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep. The nurses told me I couldn't take sleeping pills because they weren't compatible with an antidepressant. I was asked to watch a movie or read something. One of them gave me "One Hundred Years of Solitude", which I still haven't opened.

04: 31. Ail talks in his sleep.

Day 9.

Today is Saturday, January 7, 2069.

17:37. I've been up all night, and I've had a headache all day, and my appetite is gone, and so is Ail. The search team has already gone to find him, but his tracker on the chip does not send a signal. Apparently, Ail went to smell the flowers again to his friends in their garden. But all I care about right now is the headache.

I was put on glucose systems and given painkillers, but it doesn't help. An emergency brain scan was performed, but the results were satisfactory. The doctor said that I should stop taking antidepressants, assuming that a severe side reaction had started. But knowing the cause of my pain doesn't lessen it.

That's it, I can't write anymore.

03: 12. Ail came back through the window and went straight to bed without saying anything.

Day 10.

Today is Monday, January 9, 2069.

18:11. Yesterday there was a weigh-in, according to the results of which I lost a kilogram. The doctor suggested that this was due to sleepless nights and a hanged level of anxiety.

This week I will be selected for a new drug and its dose. Also the doctor said: "Perhaps the only antidepressants that will not cause you to have adverse reactions will be weak and useless. So now, Katsu, you should start to pay more attention to yourself and participate in social activities."

Right now I don't want to take part in any events, I just want peace and quiet. But this feeling of approaching danger causes the adrenal glands to release adrenaline, the heart to beat faster, to breathe faster. In this state, it is impossible to relax and even more so to fall asleep.

I don't remember what I ate, or if I ever went into the dining room. Although Sophie would definitely not let me starve, so I did eat.

Today, Ail didn't go anywhere and talked all the time about his ex-girlfriend, how they went secretly to autonomous factories, how they were sent to correctional labor several times (where they first met), how they made plans for the future.

About his ex, Ail said the following: "I knew immediately that she was a freak as soon as I saw her, all smeared with soot. She was red-haired, but I'm not talking about her hair, I'm talking about her character. Informal even among the same repulsed rebels and fun-loving people like me. The redhead was always on the same page with us, but she quickly retreated into herself, as if falling into a sleep mode.

And look, Katsu, it wasn't until 2 years after we started dating that she said she was keeping this diary of yours and let me read it, but I wish I hadn't, seriously. There were so many detailed plans for suicide, how many my mother was not called to school. In short, because of this, I decided to set her up with my "nerds", I thought that at least she would forget her thoughts. But in the end, you know how it ended.

But I keep wondering if she swallowed the bleach and foam herself. Maybe it was hidden, so as not to make a noise? What do you say, Katsu?" Maybe the system couldn't find a place for it, so it decided to quietly get rid of my Rose?

Did you know that this Exupery described his wife in The Little Prince in the Rose? Heh-heh, can I also write about my fairy tale, where we will be together? What do you think about it, Katsu? " – and this monologue lasted for 3 hours, until he realized that I did not care about his red rose.

I just stared at the wall and felt my body getting lighter and lighter, and then my vision started to darken. I felt like I was submerged in water, listening to the muffled sounds coming from far away, until I completely lost consciousness.

I opened my eyes an hour ago and saw Sophie's agitated face above me. She still treats me like a son, and it's comforting. So she won't leave me, like Mom and Dad did.

Day 11.

Today is Tuesday, January 10, 2069.

16:52. I didn't go out for a walk, despite Sophie's pleas, because I can't stand the sun, even if it's hidden behind clouds. I haven't opened the curtains in the ward since this morning.

Ail rarely comes here, apparently he's bored with me. Diana continues to write to me every day, but now our conversations take a maximum of 10 minutes.

18:22. I went to the window for the 3rd time, because I heard my name called, but looking at the street, I couldn't find anyone. Now I can hear the children shouting, "Catsu, Catsu, come with us!" but now I won't even look. These are just sound hallucinations. I need to tell the doctor about them, but I'm too lazy.

Sophie has already given up hope of getting me out of the room, so she brings food here, so thoughtful.

01:52. I can't sleep because of the voices in my head. I need to go to the nurses, but I don't want to get out of bed.

Day 12.

Today is Thursday, January 12, 2069.

17: 32.I didn't write anything down yesterday because I was asleep all the time.

Today, Sophie does not allow this and constantly lifts me out of bed, then there to help, then there to go, then you need to go for breakfast or lunch, and then another walk. In the yard, she told me to clean the snow that had been falling all day. So now I'm exhausted. Ail was surprisingly quiet in the room, texting with someone, following the daily routine and not going anywhere, so the snow was falling all the time.

Yesterday, he was very annoyed, quarreled with the nurse, who constantly treated him to sweets. And he was rude to Diana on the phone, and I think it's also a side reaction to the medication.

Training will start soon, and I don't have the strength at all. I need to talk to my doctor about this.

Tired.

Day 13.

Today is Friday, January 13, 2069.

13: 11. Ail was urgently transferred to the neurological department, because he began to have seizures.

I won't write any more today, even if Sophie insists.

Day 14.

Today is January 14, 2069, Saturday.

06: 22. Sleep:

I am 8 years old, I am in a country two-story wooden house. I went through all the rooms looking for my parents. I went out into the yard, ran around the entire territory, went into the garage and warehouse, but found no one. It was getting dark outside, and I decided to look for my parents in the nearest forest, but before I could enter it, I heard a loud shout, they were calling for me. When I turned around, I saw our house completely engulfed in flames. The door was open, and through it I noticed my parents standing in the hallway. They beckoned me with their hand, saying, " Katsu, dear, come to us, we missed you. Catsu… Catsu! " There was a crackle of fire all around. I heard our balcony collapse, but I still went to my parents and cried. I had 5 steps left to fall into their arms, but a glass wall appeared in front of me. I started hitting it, trying to break it, but it didn't work. When I saw the fire coming, I started shouting, " Mom, Dad, go away! There's a fire! Fire! " – but they continued to beckon me to them without moving from their place. Then they were engulfed in flames, and their parents began to moan in pain, begging for forgiveness. Then I woke up in a cold sweat.

Mom and Dad died on November 10, 2068, while flying on a business trip. The plane on which the parents were flying at 15:32 collided with a cargo plane, which had a faulty radar, so it did not send a signal about its location and could not receive it from other planes either. One of the versions of why the workers allowed the faulty plane to take off from the ground is their bribery by the heir of a large company, who received it thanks to the death of his older brother in this crash.

In a couple of seconds I became an orphan, in a moment I lost the only people close to me. Along with them, appetite and healthy sleep disappeared, and after the rebirth ceremony, the desire to live was buried along with their ashes.

Like all the relatives of those who died in this plane crash, I received psychological help, which improved my health for a while. I even resumed classes in the Criminal Procedure Code, and then decided to kill myself. But from fear and exhaustion, he lost consciousness, and ended up in the hospital.

After discharge, I will definitely look into the grove, but I can't dwell on their deaths, because my life goes on, at least that's what the doctor says.

Day 15.

Today is January 15, 2069, Sunday.

11:23. Sophie will be resting next week. Finally, no one will force me to keep a daily diary, finish my porridge, go for a walk and exercise, participate in quizzes. But that's all from tomorrow, and today I'm going to have an active life again.

In the evening, the nurses want to organize a table tennis competition, where the winner will have the opportunity to create their own menu for tomorrow. I think I can leave the room for that (no, but Sophie will make me do it anyway).

Diana also continues to communicate with me and share news from the world. Because of her allergies, she can't get a furry pet, but that doesn't stop her from constantly sending me cute animal videos. We need to talk to Sophie about this, now there are many breeds of cats and dogs for allergy sufferers. I think Diana will be thrilled to have a new friend.

17:43. I was skeptical about table tennis, but it was even interesting. The rules are very simple, you just need to have a good reaction speed and agility. I reached the semifinals (I didn't have enough strength for more). I'll leave it to the students.

Day 16.

Today is January 23, 2069, Monday.

16: 26. Sophie has returned and, having learned that I haven't kept a diary all week, demands that I fill it out.

On the 16th there was a weigh-in, my weight was 41 kg. If I continue to gain weight at this rate, I will soon be discharged.

On the 17th, I met Ail on a walk, and he had black eyes and an unhealthy complexion.

On the 18th, the nurses asked me to play a game of chess, after which the opponent demanded a rematch, and I agreed to it. In the end, I was still the winner, then I went to bed.

On the 19th and 20th, many were discharged.

On the 21st and 22nd, most of the people went home. There were 3 patients left in the department, so the nurses decided to take us for a walk and took us to the theater. We watched the play "Descended from Heaven", which showed the story of an angel who once in 10 years descended from heaven to save the first soul that came across.

That's all.

Today the scales showed 43 kg.

Yesterday I was transferred money for accommodation. Due to the fact that I am an adult, all the property of my parents has passed to me by inheritance, but the system still pays me the amount necessary for life on a monthly basis. This will continue until I enter an official job.

Now I have enough money to buy a studio. I think I should move out of my last apartment as soon as I'm released.

Day 17.

Today is January 24, 2069, Tuesday.

11:26. For breakfast, we were given compote, chicken broth, vegetable salad, oatmeal cookies, a sandwich with butter and cheese. I ate everything.

15:09. Sophie makes me drag the boxes again. I'm tired.

19: 31. I was forced to play checkers. This time the game was much more interesting, a couple of times I even doubted my victory, but still remained the champion. I didn't have time to find out my opponent's name. She just showed up in our department today. I'll have time to talk to her later.

Day 18.

Today is Wednesday, January 25, 2069.

10:46. Sophie didn't show up for her shift today. I asked Diana for the reason, but she ignores my messages.

For breakfast we were served a vegetable salad, buckwheat with chicken cutlet, a slice of bitter chocolate and hot milk, but I asked for tea.

In the morning, in the dining room, I did not notice the girl with whom we played yesterday.

22:32. She met me at lunch.

Her name is Norma Mads, and she turned 17 on January 13. She is studying at the 7th stage in the class of the artistic image of the sign. It is bright in every sense. Norma has fair skin, light brown hair, and gray eyes. She is energetic and constantly smiles. Come to think of it, I couldn't help but smile myself as she pricked out all the information about me with her curious eyes. I think she wanted to know something I'd never thought of myself. I'm usually annoyed by intrusive people, but today I was in a good mood and I just wanted to talk to someone.

For a pleasant conversation, time flies by quickly, and if I hadn't been called to practice, our discussion would have dragged on until dinner.

Norma was shocked to find out my weight and tried to feed me her lunch, claiming that she wasn't hungry because she ate sweets.

She didn't come to dinner.

We were served a delicious steamed turkey chop with a vegetable stew. The cook, noticing my appetite, offered me a supplement, which I could not refuse. I became friends with this kind-hearted woman while I was helping Sophie move the boxes. Therefore, now at any time I can ask for sweet tea, to which a cheesecake or a muffin will be added.

After selecting new antidepressants, I fall asleep quickly and easily, which is good news. And in general, my condition is improving. I think I'll be discharged soon.

Day 19.

Today is Thursday, January 26, 2069.

13: 01. Norma from breakfast walks backwards and asks about my interests, food preferences, fears. Then he begins to tell some story about his niece, whose name is Mary. I'm not usually interested in other people's lives, but Norma's voice sounds so pleasant and calm that I want to listen to her, whether she's talking about the universal Masonic conspiracy or her kitten. I am ready to support any dialogue, the main thing is to hear her voice.

13: 38. I forgot to tell you, Sophie didn't come to work again, and Diana continues to ignore me.

22:51. It was cold outside, so I didn't go for a walk. After learning about this, Norma also decided to stay in the department and offered to play board games. I wanted to play shogi, but she didn't know the rules, so I had to teach her some of the time. Norma listened to me carefully and asked clarifying questions, guessing the main part of the rules. But sometimes she would drop out of the car for a few minutes, looking out the window. At such moments, Norma could not hear anyone and smiled. The first time I thought there was something funny going on outside and decided to look out, but there was nothing there. From oblivion, she came out on her own, or from a light touch (as the nurses did).

We played a game of shogi, and then I went to practice.

Dinner was stuffed eggplant and mint tea. Norma wasn't in the dining room again, so I finished my meal quickly and went back to the ward to take these notes.

Now is the time for sleep. I hope Norma doesn't have any dreams.

Day 20.

Today is January 27, 2069, Friday.

09:47. At breakfast, Norma sat with me again, but she was not alone, but with her new friends, Lavender and Lily. She told me a story about their names, but I didn't remember anything. I remember this morning in a blurry way, as if I was half asleep.

16:32. It was snowing outside, so I went out for a walk. Sophie is not here, and the ward has become boring. I felt lonely and unwanted again, but it didn't last long.

I caught sight of an angel who was building a snow castle with the kids. It was fun to watch as Norma watched each child, entertained them, told them stories. They even held a round dance in honor of the completion of the construction.

What am I talking about, nonsense. We need to get ready for training.

01:13. I can't sleep. I asked the nurse for a sedative, but it didn't help at all. My heart is beating so loud and hard that it keeps me awake. Maybe I have an arrhythmia? I'll definitely tell the doctor about it on Monday, but now I need to try to sleep and stop thinking about her.

04:22. I could hardly sleep, but I wish I hadn't slept at all. I had a very strange dream.

I was walking through a wheat field while a thunderstorm was coming. The sky was overcast with leaden clouds, and thunder rumbled in the distance. When the bad weather caught up with me and it started to rain, Norma came down from the sky. She was wearing a white dress and had wings on her back. Norma came up to me and asked: "Are you willing to sell your soul to me for salvation?» but before I could answer, she took me in her arms and lifted me up. A couple of seconds after takeoff, lightning struck the field, and I woke up.

What a strange dream it was.

Day 21.

Today is Saturday, January 28, 2069.

06: 56. Weekend again. Everyone will leave, and there will be silence in the ward, a beautiful time of serenity. Why can't this emptiness be eternal? Why do people demand movement? Why does my heart have to beat and beat, not letting me think of anything but her?

My head hurts so much that I can't eat, drink,or sleep. But Sophie's back, and it's comforting.

She had dark circles under her eyes and pale skin. Perhaps she hadn't slept for several nights. I don't want to think about what could have happened to drive this optimistic woman to despair. I don't want to think at all, but they make me, especially Norma. I hid from her in my room, but I'm afraid that soon this closed door will not stop her.

19:27. I am more and more grateful to volleyball training for freeing me from the interrogations of Norma. She's too worried about me. This is certainly nice, but not now. Today I had no desire to communicate with her or see her, because every word Norma uttered makes me drown in incomprehensible feelings. Her gaze turns me hot, makes me clumsy and distracted, makes me stutter, but I continue to admire her, every feature of her. She bites her lower lip when thinking about something, especially during board games. It's so cute that I want to set more and more traps, come up with more complex tactics, just to see this thoughtful and insanely attractive face. I go crazy, do illogical things, try to accidentally bump into her in the hallway, only to look into her eyes again.

I'm afraid of these feelings. I begin to depend on the Norm, become weak and soft in her presence.

But what's wrong with that? Why does this scare me at all? The main thing is to calm my heart, otherwise I will die before I get answers.

I understand Ail now.

Day 22.

Today is January 29, 2069, Sunday.

15: 38. Norma again follows me around and constantly feeds me various sweets. During our conversation, she casually mentioned my weight, saying: "I'm exactly 10 times heavier than you. You weigh 43 kilos, right? I'm 53." But I never told her the exact weight. Although, don't be surprised, we're in a psychiatric ward.

16: 56. It's time to go to training, but Diana wrote to me, and I do not know if I should miss classes because of her. I'm afraid she'll disappear from the blog again, and we'll never talk again.

18: 46. Diana sent the following message: "Hi, Onisan. I'm sorry I didn't answer you earlier, it's just that there are differences in our family.

Dad left Mom. He told her that he had loved another woman all his life, and they had an illegitimate child who was taken into state care, and his beloved was sent to the yellow city. The day after this revelation, the parents went to the main building of the marriage system to file for divorce. To do this, they passed a compatibility test, the result of which was 98%, so their request was rejected.

My mother went to work as usual, and I went to school. And when I came back, I saw things scattered around the house, broken furniture. Then I heard a crash and my father's unintelligible cry. He ran out of the kitchen with a knife and started swinging it around.

I was very scared and ran into the hall, I wanted to hide on the balcony, but the door was blocked by an overturned table. My father began to push me against the wall, and he cried and cried and begged, no, he begged for forgiveness, and I screamed as loud as I could. Dad swung the knife at me, but I managed to put my hand under the blow and continued to scream until the alarm went off. After that, he ran away from home.

That's all I remember from that day, because the next time I opened my eyes, it was in the hospital. We don't know where Dad is now, he cut a chip out of his hand. They are looking for him, but to no avail. And my mother and I moved to another house, but even here I can't sleep alone.

Onisan, when you are released from the hospital, be sure to move in with us. I've already talked to my mother, and she's allowed it. I'll make you buns every day, I promise.

I called Diane and we talked it over. She explained to me that "onisan" means brother, so now I will call her little sister.

22: 31. Norma made a gift and drew my portrait. She told me that she drew, but I could not imagine how beautiful it was.

Sophie asked me why I didn't go to practice, and I explained everything to her. To which she offered to drink tea and have a heart-to-heart talk.

They actually bought a new apartment for three, so I can live with them by signing a contract. I think this is an ideal option, for the first time.

Day 23.

Today is January 30, 2069, Monday.

11: 36. Another scan of the body. Result: weight-46 kg, height – 173 cm. I told the doctor about the dream and the arrhythmia, and received only smiles from the nurses. I don't know what's funny or funny about it. The doctor says that my condition is almost stable.

In the past, I would have been happy about it, but now I don't want to leave the hospital. Every day more and more topics come to mind for a conversation with Norma, and they say that they will be discharged in a week. Should I leave the window open tonight and sleep without a blanket? Nonsense, but still.

14: 21. Norma read me quotes from an old collection, and I remembered this one: "After all, you have to depend on others," and I think I now understood what kind of dependence was discussed.

I have always considered such feelings as something poetic and far from me, I thought that these love stories from books and films are just fiction, incompatible with reality. But Norma changed everything, came down on my head with her interrogations, demanded attention, made pleasant surprises, and stole my quiet days.

Does it really take so little to be happy? This makes it even scarier. If happiness is so easy to find, then losing it is even easier? I don't want to check.

I lost my mother and father, I lost my interest in life, I wanted to die. I won't let Norma go. I will do everything for her to be with me, to think and care only for me, to be close to me. Now I won't give up the person I love so easily. I'll make her dependent on me. Norma will be mine.

16:32. She didn't leave the room again, or we just didn't run into each other. I didn't think it was possible to miss a person who is 50 steps away from you. Tomorrow there will be a small tournament between our and the pediatric departments, so today the training will be more difficult.

Day 24.

Today is January 31, 2069, Tuesday.

18: 31. In the morning there was a tournament, where there were 6 teams (3 from each department). Norma decided to try her hand at volleyball. I watched her play. No, not right. I watched her, watched her movements, caught every look, every smile. I was hypnotized. I vaguely remember my match, I did everything automatically, and my thoughts were next to her.

After the competition, Norma was more energetic and enthusiastic, unlike me, a lazy introvert who dreams of peace and quiet. But I like it when she persuades me to go for a walk or to the dining room, look at the fish, listen to music, play checkers.

At 18:00, Norma went to therapy with a psychologist, and I can finally rest in peace. Only first you need to talk to Diana, now she needs all the support and care.

Day 25.

Today is Wednesday, February 1, 2069.

12: 44. It's hard to believe that a month of my stay in the hospital has already passed. The last few weeks have passed quickly.

I haven't seen Norma since last night. She didn't go out for dinner and breakfast. I'm worried about this, so I'll talk to Lavender during lunch and ask about Norma's health. I don't even have a clue as to why she's suddenly withdrawn.

If you remember, she never talked about her experiences and the cause of depression, or it's just that I was not interested. We really need to talk.

19: 32. At a quiet hour, Sophie came up and said that I needed to pack my things. She was wearing casual clothes and cleaning my bedclothes, while explaining that we had to go to the property management system in time to register me as the tenant of a room in their apartment. Because of this rush, I didn't even have time to say goodbye to anyone and talk to Norma. I just realized that I don't even have her phone number or blog address. You should definitely visit her as soon as possible. For now, I should put my things away and set up my room, if Diana will let me.

She was incredibly happy to see me and immediately ran to bake a birthday cake. In the process, Diana constantly asked me about my taste preferences and slightly changed the recipe of the cake depending on my answers, very nice of her.

It is hard to believe that this energetic girl with a smile that never leaves her face, survived the horror that she wrote to me about. But now everything will be fine, I'll take care of my little sister.

Day 26.

Today is Thursday, February 2, 2069.

07:26. I'm going to walk Diane to school and head to my CCP to check my schedule and resume my training.

10:39. I was given a schedule for the next week and told that I don't have to attend unscheduled classes and do extra classes. But I replied that I felt good and wanted to catch up with the curriculum faster. Then I was advised to go through the departments and take lectures to do self-study until next Monday.

When I approached each lecturer, I had to tell them the reason for my absence, and this is tedious.

Now I have things to do for the next three days, but on Saturday I'm going to go to Norma's and spend the whole time there. I think she will be angry and resentful of me for a long time because I left her alone, disappeared without saying anything. I asked Sophie to take care of her, so everything should be fine.

And now it's time to eat and drink herbal tea with the remaining cake, after which I'll start my lectures.

19:42. I decided to go to my parents ' house in the grove. I didn't have to wander long to find two orange sprouts. It's still hard to believe they're gone. I want to think that they flew safely and are just on a business trip, but these young trees bring back to reality. We need to move on. These trees will grow taller with age to remind you of their existence, because as the years go by, the memories of the dead will become more and more hazy.

Mom and Dad, I miss you, I really miss you. Without you, I have a loved one. Without you, I have found a new meaning in my life. I can be happy without you. But this is a different kind of happiness. Thank you for everything.

After these thoughts, I was about to go home, but I met Ail sitting on a bench. I decided to sit down next to him, and he spoke: "Oh, Katsu, are yours in this grove too? So I'll probably see you again.

I've come to say goodbye to the Rose, but I can't get close to this lilac sprout. I think that when I approach it, the ground will disappear from under my feet. I'll die without her, without that red-haired one. I haven't said goodbye to her yet. It still lives somewhere out there, in my memory, in my heart. And if I say good-bye, Katsu, if I say good-bye to her, there will be nothing left! You hear, emptiness and only. There is nothing in my life but her, and there never was. And now they don't even let you die normally. People are just puppets trying to live. We are controlled by the system. Now she decides who is worthy of a happy life, and who should disappear.

I'm being sent to the yellow city. They were considered inferior, although they themselves deprived me of everything, took away the most precious thing I had. How do you stay "normal" after that? And I don't even know my own mother. Maybe we'll meet her in that city.

Katsu, live happily, and don't let anyone take away the meaning of your life, otherwise you will break, everyone will break. Goodbye. "

After his monologue, he got up and went to a small sprout, on a sign next to it was written: "Rose Fireri 2052-2068".

Now I'm going home and I think it's time for us to say goodbye. I set up the diary for therapeutic purposes. Now that my treatment has stopped, these records are no longer necessary.

20: 13. * Delete the diary. *

– Sophie's new mother status has not been removed. -

– The status of Diana's little sister has not been deleted. -

– Ail's friend status has been deleted. -

– The status of Norma Mads ' beloved has been deleted. -

– The status of the owner of the Katsu Kunal diary has been deleted. -

*Deletion completed. Thank you for using the Diary. *

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* The diary is installed, enjoy your use. *

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